I was dreaming last night. Not about anything kinky, you dirty little bugger, I was dreaming about what I really wanted for Christmas.
A WhatsApp group chat prompted these thoughts, after my friend said she’d asked for slippers and a dressing gown for Christmas. She’s a mother of 2. And probably really fucking tired.
So I began to think about what would be REALLY useful for Christmas.
- A clone of me. I know, I know. Please don’t all run away in fear. This list is FANTASY and will no way ever become reality. Imagine how good having a clone would be? We could send the clones to work and just
pub itcoffee shop it up all day. And on days off the clone could answer all the 4yo questions and change the baby’s nappies.
- A washer/drier/folder/putter-away-er. A magic machine that actually collects your dirty clothes for you, sorts them into colours, washes them with the right detergent and on the correct cycle, dries them at the right temperature, folds them and then puts all the goodness away in the correct places. Although with no wash baskets on my floors, that would mean more carpet to vacuum.
- An inappropriate buzzer. I am always putting my foot in it. Always stepping over the mark. Always saying something that I should really just keep to myself. The problem is I think I am funny, sadly most people do not share this thought process. I need a little buzzer, pretty much like how the BGT buzzers sound to go off in my ear when I am about the say something stupid. I guess it could link with my brain before my mouth engages.
- A tantrum chamber. It sounds quite torturous doesn’t it? Well tantrums are torture in my eyes. When either child is about to embark on a tantrum *whoosh* a bullet-proof, shatter-proof, sound-proof chamber appears around them and stays put for the proper amount of time (wine glugging/ear-piercing shrieking stopped).
- The 12 hour cold capsule. You know those days when the kids are a little under the weather and all they want are cuddles and to nap and watch films all day? Aren’t they just the best? Well sometimes when you have a little hangover and the toddler is asking you how babies are made and the baby is wrestling with you, you kinda wish that wouldn’t it be nice if the kids were a little bit under the weather today so they could sympathise with you (it’s kinda their fault that you feel like this anyway!) And you could just give them a little 12 hour cold to get some peace and quiet and to catch up on Monsters Inc.
So who do I need to speak to about all the above actually happening?
Thanks for reading
Mummy over and out