Grief does funny things to you.
It makes you angry, sad, confused, broken and hurt. It makes you feel disorientated, like you have a hangover that just won’t go away. I’ve been surprised at just how many tears I have to fall from my eyes. Often I’ve not even noticed I’m crying as just one tear rolls over my cheek, dripping off my chin. I’ve had wobbles at the most obvious of moments, but the worst are the unexpected ones, whilst I’m out on my own. I don’t wear a sign that my mum died only a few weeks ago, but when I have cried in front of strangers, I’ve received nothing but kindness and concern, and not one question as to why.
None of life has stopped since mum passed away, we all have to keep muddling along. My two small people need me around, being mum, and keeping it all running. The OH has been amazing but the ship still needs to be sailed by a captain, and that is me.
This week is the run up to mum’s funeral. A day I am absolutely dreading. I don’t want to lay my mum to rest and feel like we are saying a final goodbye, I want to hug her again, feel her warmth and hear her voice.
I don’t know where I am going with this post, but since we lost mum I’ve been scribbling notes and memories down, so maybe I should start composing them on here. Mum used to read my blog, which made me proud, especially if I made her laugh with my ramblings. And she was a tough nut to crack!